Conflict resolution?

As a parent and educator there will be many occasions that a child will come to me, to inform me of the horrible acts of another. How do you respond to these accusations? In some cases, we may want to jump in and come to their rescue. In other cases, we may see this as petty tattling, and brush it away. Either way may not be the best approach.

When we jump in to handle a problem, we essentially make it our own problem and release the child from responsibility. It sounds like a nice, quick, easy way to remove conflict. However, the quick easy way is not always the best, or even the correct way. When we brush the problem away, we choose not to deal with the problem. While we may have reasons, that we don't have time and the problem is petty, we ignore other important and more long lasting problems. This can leave the child to feel that we don't care, and allow the other child to continue the behavior without consequence. After all, we have demonstrated that we aren't going to do anything about it. It must not be all that bad, if the teacher or parent doesn't care.

Maybe that sounds harsh, or a little over the top, but try to consider how your actions may appear to each child. In the first possible response, the children can hand responsibility over to someone else. They don't have any need to handle it, because an adult will do the work for them. They do not learn responsibility because the adult is taking responsibility. They do not learn to handle their own problems, because an adult will handle them for them. In the second possible response, the problem is brushed aside, so no one deals with it. The children may begin to feel that there is no point in saying anything, because they feel that nothing will be done. The other child may continue to behave inappropriately, since there is no real consequence.

So what can be done in situations such as this? We shouldn't have to take complete responsibility of their problems because they need to learn to take responsibility. We shouldn't just ignore it or brush it aside, because nothing gets solved, and problems can fester and expand. I am a big believer in empowering children to handle their own problems. However, we shouldn't expect them to do this on their own, with no guidance. I'm sure there are many methods we can use to help empower children to handle those frustrating situations, which often send them straight to an adult. There are also many ways to provide guidance in helping them take charge of their own problems.

One of the things I have done with my own children and with students, is to direct them to sit down together and discuss the problem. With my own children, I tell them they can get up after they have discussed the problems, created a plan together to fix the problem or make it better, and brought the plan to me for final approval. They don't always get approval the first time around. I ask them to tell me what they decided the problem really was, and to explain their plan to fix it, compromise, or make it better. We then discuss if this should help or solve the problem, if it is reasonable for all involved, and if each person is likely to stick to it. If any of these "tests" fall through, I ask them to sit down and come up with other options.

In a school situation, however, time is far too limited to accommodate this lengthy process. I usually just ask them to sit and discuss the problem, and I tell them they are free to join us after they have come to an agreement or compromise. If they are not ready to speak to each other, I usually have them separate and work apart from each other for a while. After they have had time to calm down, I allow another opportunity to discuss the problem. For very young students, I prefer to set up a game plan ahead of time. I usually have a specific place set aside for the students to talk to each other. During the beginning of the year, we set up guidelines, and try to walk students through a process of describing the event or problem, saying how it made them feel, using I statements, and trying to think of other ways to handle the problem. We can include pictures or posters to help remind students of the guidelines. One idea that I really like, involves setting up an area with hand puppets. Each student selects a puppet, and then they attempt to recreate the situation, discussing what happened, and how it made them feel. Using the puppets allows them to step outside the situation and imagine it involving someone else, yet it still allows them to acknowledge their true feelings. Another option I have heard of is pretending to set back the clock to before the event happened, and coming up with different actions to change the event for the better.

What ideas have you used for your own children, or for your students? What other ideas could you try?