As a parent and educator there will be many occasions that a child
will come to me, to inform me of the horrible acts of another. How do you
respond to these accusations? In some cases, we may want to jump in and come to
their rescue. In other cases, we may see this as petty tattling, and brush it
away. Either way may not be the best approach.
When we jump in to handle a problem, we essentially make it our
own problem and release the child from responsibility. It sounds like a nice,
quick, easy way to remove conflict. However, the quick easy way is not always
the best, or even the correct way. When we brush the problem away, we choose
not to deal with the problem. While we may have reasons, that we don't have time
and the problem is petty, we ignore other important and more long lasting
problems. This can leave the child to feel that we don't care, and allow the
other child to continue the behavior without consequence. After all, we have
demonstrated that we aren't going to do anything about it. It must not be all
that bad, if the teacher or parent doesn't care.
Maybe that sounds harsh, or a little over the top, but try to
consider how your actions may appear to each child. In the first possible response,
the children can hand responsibility over to someone else. They don't have any
need to handle it, because an adult will do the work for them. They do not
learn responsibility because the adult is taking responsibility. They do not
learn to handle their own problems, because an adult will handle them for
them. In the second possible response, the problem is brushed aside, so no
one deals with it. The children may begin to feel that there is no point in
saying anything, because they feel that nothing will be done. The other child
may continue to behave inappropriately, since there is no
real consequence.
So what can be done in situations such as this? We shouldn't have
to take complete responsibility of their problems because they need to learn to
take responsibility. We shouldn't just ignore it or brush it aside, because
nothing gets solved, and problems can fester and expand. I am a big believer in
empowering children to handle their own problems. However, we shouldn't expect
them to do this on their own, with no guidance. I'm sure there are many methods
we can use to help empower children to handle
those frustrating situations, which often send them straight to an
adult. There are also many ways to provide guidance in helping them take charge
of their own problems.
One of the things I have done with my own children and with
students, is to direct them to sit down together and discuss the problem. With
my own children, I tell them they can get up after they have discussed the
problems, created a plan together to fix the problem or make it better, and
brought the plan to me for final approval. They don't always
get approval the first time around. I ask them to tell me what they
decided the problem really was, and to explain their plan to fix it,
compromise, or make it better. We then discuss if this should help or
solve the problem, if it is reasonable for all involved, and if each person is
likely to stick to it. If any of these "tests" fall through, I ask
them to sit down and come up with other options.
In a school situation, however, time is far too limited
to accommodate this lengthy process. I usually just ask
them to sit and discuss the problem, and I tell them they are free to join us
after they have come to an agreement or compromise. If they are not ready to speak
to each other, I usually have them separate and
work apart from each other for a while. After they have had time to calm down,
I allow another opportunity to discuss the problem. For very young
students, I prefer to set up a game plan ahead of time. I usually have
a specific place set aside for the students to talk to each other. During
the beginning of the year, we set up guidelines, and try to walk students
through a process of describing the event or problem, saying how it made them
feel, using I statements, and trying to think of other ways to handle the
problem. We can include pictures or posters to help remind students of the
guidelines. One idea that I really like, involves setting up an area with
hand puppets. Each student selects a puppet, and then they attempt to
recreate the situation, discussing what happened, and how it made them feel.
Using the puppets allows them to step outside the situation and imagine it
involving someone else, yet it still allows them to acknowledge their true feelings.
Another option I have heard of is pretending to set back the clock to before
the event happened, and coming up with different actions to change the event
for the better.
What ideas have you used for your own children, or for your
students? What other ideas could you try?
